Shut Your Mouth

My previous rant about malodorous breath has not alleviated my agitation, but instead has reminded me of further causes of annoyance in my life. This other one is far worse, as it can most definitely be helped and is merely the product of absent-mindedness and bad manners. I call this atrocity, this affront to all that is proper, this Satanic practice: Open-mouth chewing.

Do you recall when in your childhood, other children, and perhaps yourself as well, would open their mouths and expose their thoroughly chewed food to you just to fill you with disgust? And did it not work? Ofcourse it did. Seeing food masticated and blended with saliva is repulsive, abnormal, and not meant for human eyes. If it was meant for us to see, we would have transparent cheeks. Now, if we didn’t want to see it then, why would we want to see it now? And why in the name of all that is holy would we want to hear it?

As mentioned earlier, this can be helped, which I believe contributes greatly to the annoyance it engenders in me. As open-mouth chewing is taking place, I am exasperatedly asking myself, “Why, oh why, can’t you just HEAR yourself chew and understand that this is inappropriate? What is so difficult to understand about this? Why don’t you do something about it?” But they go on, seeming to be absolutely oblivious to their own terrible, disgusting chewing practices.

It has occurred to me that some of them may recognize that they are being repulsive, but are just simply apathetic about it, which would be all the more offensive. Where is the dignity? The respect? The self-respect?

I have witnessed other people’s uncomfortability around open-mouth chewing and I know I do not stand alone here. I have witnessed some of these people attempt to bring it to the attention of the open-mouth chewer that he ought to shut his lips when he is noshing. The offender simply replies, “My lips are shut”, which is obviously not true, but to him it is. He literally doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get it. I suppose it is better to be ignorant than to intentionally aggravate those around you.

If you are an open-mouth masticator of food, do not be offended by this. Use it as a tidbit of the best advice you have ever heard and just shut your lips. The human body is a great thing, your mandible and teeth can move up and down all while your lips remain shut. Try it. With a little practice, you’ll get the hang of it. And TAKE NOTE of your habits. I think people often think they don’t have a problem with this because their lips are usually shut when they chew, but they don’t notice the times when they let their guard down and their mouth falls open and everyone within range is afflicted by the grotesque smacking, sucking, mushing sound of chewed food being stirred about inside a human mouth. Be wary, lest I snap one day and kill you to death.