Full of Crap

This morning, while I was pooping, a fecal epiphany struck me. It was not entirely fecal, but also concerned food and the gloriousness of the human being.

 It could be postulated that we as humans are rather disgusting creatures. We drip snot, accumulate ear wax, release gasses and stenches, and then of course the big one: poop. But this morning amidst my daily post-coffee pooping ritual, I realized that pooping doesn’t make us more hideous, but more beautiful.

Now, poop is nothing more than a loaf of food that has been sapped of its glory. Think of the vitality and richness of food before it is consumed. Apples are brilliant red, crispy, yet juicy. Meat is weighty and substantial, also juicy. A colorful salad is the epitome of health. Breads are fluffy and delightful. But when our bodies are through with these, they share the same fate; they all become a horrible, fetid mess, expelled in an unmentionable – yet for me, highly pleasurable – process.  

Although this seems to validate the claim that humans are revolting animals, I believe it argues to the contrary. You see, our human bodies are too glorious to hold on to food after we have absorbed its magnificent life force, so we expel it, keeping only its nutritious and marvelous elements. We are products of the crispiness of apples. We are the beefiness of meat, the vitality of fresh produce, the ripe sweetness of melons and berries – without all the extra crap, which we excrete. You see? In with the good, out with the bad. We are all that is good about food, poop is the remainder – all that is bad about it. So in a manner of speaking, poop is the opposite of humanity.

We do not poop because we are grotesque, we poop because we are glorious beings, and we cannot coexist with such filth, so we rid ourselves of it. This epiphany struck me with such force that I had to write it down immediately, lest my faulty memory deprive me of yet another parcel of wisdom. I barely had time to wipe, I was so excited. It is an amazing thing, isn’t it?