Three varieties of stinkmouth

I wonder if I have bad breath. I do not think that I typically do, although everybody does at least once in a while. I take great pains to avoid this condition as it is extremely bothersome to me when I am the victim of someone else’s breathing.

I have been able to identify at least three categories of stinkmouth. There is sour breath, cat food breath, and poo breath. Cat food breath is the most common that I am bombarded by. It sometimes slithers from someone’s mouth into my nostrils when I am on the bus, sometimes when I am sitting in class. At least when I’m on the bus I know that it will end soon, but class is a much longer ride. I am left inhaling through my mouth, which I also don’t relish because although I can’t taste it, I don’t want other people’s bad breath in my mouth.

Poo breath is a rarer variety, but arguably the most potent. At the beginning of last semester I sat next to a guy with poo breath – and he was a chronic yawner. After a week I realized he was in that seat to stay, with no prospects of relocating. So the following Tuesday I took a new seat on the other side of the room. Not to be mean, but this was a mathematics course and I had to be able to concentrate. And breathe.

Cat food breath is no fun, but it is not as intolerable as poo breath or sour breath. Sour breath is an odor similar to vomit. People with these breath problems have not figured out that they can do a massive service to their fellow humans by simply ceasing to be mouth breathers, and instead breathe through their noses. Bad breath doesn’t escape through the nose, it is a product of the mouth. So be wary of yawning, whispering, or talking within a close proximity to your neighbor. Chew gum often and for God’s sake, brush your teeth AND tongue on a bi-daily basis. Get way back there. Gargle too. Swallow it if you have to. Spare us. Minimize the damage. Please.